Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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