Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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