Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
