I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
