I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
