Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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