I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
