She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
