Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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