Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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