"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
