Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
