gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
