I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
