I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
