I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It's never too late to be topless.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
