whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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