I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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