Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
