hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
