I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
