I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
