I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
