You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
