I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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