Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
