I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize