I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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