life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
you never un-have a 4some
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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