Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
