my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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