I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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