chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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