Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
