it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
