I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I touched a dick in church today
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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