Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You don't make any sense
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