The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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