Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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