We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
