I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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