You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
