Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
