I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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