Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
