Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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