last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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