Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize