Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
