I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
