These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
