i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
