If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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