If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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