I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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