sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
