Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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