Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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