I got chris browned last night
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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