Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
