he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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